Feelings. I still can't talk about feelings but She kept digging. She knew this was an important date for me. The first time I had asked a woman out since Kaye disappeared in Berkeley five years ago.

So here I am in Los Angeles, talking on the phone with Nina about my big date. Nina wants to know my feelings about the Czech. I told her that during the date, all of my feelings revolved around the question, "Where's Kaye?" as if a stream coursing silently through every moment. I told her that a familiar touch, a certain sound would cause me to turn around and notice the wrong face close to mine, bringing that confused moment, the quick panic " The Question" — "Where's Kaye?".

I told Nina that, while no longer a great black void, "The Question" remains a sharp glass shadow. It still cuts. I could not tell Nina that the only thing which kept those moments from ripping me apart was the idea of getting home to call Nina. I couldn't tell her how much I needed her to give me an answer. How to make it stop?


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